Showing posts with label #miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #miscarriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Another Heartbreak.....

It happened again!
Miscarriage number two.
Two in the space of 5 months!


Same time as last time, right before I hit 7 weeks!

Everything this time round seemed so positive....
I was nauseous,
I had extremely tender breasts,
I had the metallic taste in my mouth and I was craving foods that I don't normally crave.

We didn't tell many people as we were scared it would happen again.

But because of all the symptoms I was having it was hard not to tell a few people.
I was excited.
It seemed so right this time.
Just like all the other pregnancies.

I booked a scan for when I was 8 weeks as I just wanted to make sure it was ok and I knew I wouldn't be able to wait till 10 weeks.

But the weekend before I turned 7 weeks I had a bleed.
It was like someone turned a tap on and then turned it right off again.
It seemed to heavy to be spotting but not enough to be a proper miscarriage.

I was confused and not sure what to do.

I phoned up the Early Pregnancy Unit on the Monday and booked a scan for the Tuesday.
I couldn't just wait and see I needed to know what was going on.

The scan showed the pregnancy sack and little tiny embryo but it didn't show a heartbeat and it did show a lot of blood.

They rebooked me in for the following week and told me to be prepared to have a visit to the a&e department once I started to bleed.

So I went away feeling pretty scared and completely torn up inside.
I spent the whole week waiting....
Nothing happened.

I kept being sick, I was constantly tired.
I did nothing but sit on the sofa staring into space.

The waiting was killing me.
By the end of the week I was starting to think They must be wrong and by the next scan the blood will be gone and there will be a heartbeat...

The following Tuesday came and I went back to the little room to hear my fate.
It was a new sister and when she read my notes I could tell by the look on her face it wasn't going to be the news I wanted it to be.

I went in for the scan and the only thing that had changed was the amount of blood surrounding the pregnancy sack.

I was given three choices...
To keep waiting and let it happen naturally,
Take some pills to make it happen and have a hospital stay whilst I bled or have the pregnancy tissue surgically removed.

The sister let me have the evening to decide and then I had to go back on the Wednesday to let them know which I was going to choose.

I knew I wouldn't be able to wait.
The easiest option was to have the op but I'd never been put to sleep before and the thought of it really worried me.

I decided the op seemed like my best option and on the Wednesday I was booked into have it the following day.

Thursday was blur really....
It happened,
I haven't cried yet
I'm trying to pretend it never really happened.
I'm keeping busy but I know it will hit me sooner or later1

My baby making days are over.
I can't do this again!

Saturday, 13 May 2017

The Baby That Never Had a Chance.....


I was so excited about telling the world that baby number 5 was on it's way.

Last Sunday I started bleeding, it started off like spotting and I tried not to be too worried.


I rang up the EPU to get a scan booked in, they could see me the next morning.
Tuesday morning came around far too slowly.
I spent most of Monday too scared to go to the toilet for what I might see at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

I had both a tummy scan and an internal scan.
They could see no sign a of baby.

I had done 5 ... 5 bloody tests all of which were positive.
No matter how much I didn't feel pregnant after the first one, they still kept showing me I was.

The sister explained, this could have been because the pregnancy didn't progress as I thought it was progressing and ended very early on or it could mean there may be a pregnancy going on outside the womb.


I was sent off for bloods and then told to go home and wait for the results.
Again it was another day spent far too scared to go to the toilet and I tried my hardest not too as I was starting to see clots come away.

The results came in, in the afternoon and it was still showing I was pregnant.
Ectopic pregnancy was then discussed and I was told they would need to see me again on Thursday for further bloods.

Jon was away in London whilst this was going on, so I was home alone dealing with the boys as well as everything racing around my mind.
In a way it was good, as I was kept busy and I wasn't really able to sit and think about it.

Thursday came and more bloods were taken, the results didn't come back as quickly and I found myself hounding the EPU as I just needed to know.
Jon was going in for his second back operation and the boys were really starting to play up.
I was on the edge of cracking, but I had to stay strong.

I eventually had a call at 5pm and the results were still showing pregnancy hormones present but not high enough for them to be in the danger zone and be a sign on an ectopic.

I was having a miscarriage.

I could now actually start mourning the loss of the baby that never was.

I have cried, 
I have been ok,
 I have thought about the last time this happened, 
I have been fine and cried some more and now I am just angry!

I am angry at myself for getting so excited, 
I'm angry that I told people about baby number 5,
 I'm angry that I got so excited and started buying things for baby number 5!
I am just angry!

This has happened before I should know by now alway alway always wait until the first scan.
Make sure everything is ok before I get my hopes up.

I am angry and so so gutted that baby number 5 never really had a chance.