Showing posts with label #sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #sad. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 May 2017

The Baby That Never Had a Chance.....


I was so excited about telling the world that baby number 5 was on it's way.

Last Sunday I started bleeding, it started off like spotting and I tried not to be too worried.


I rang up the EPU to get a scan booked in, they could see me the next morning.
Tuesday morning came around far too slowly.
I spent most of Monday too scared to go to the toilet for what I might see at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

I had both a tummy scan and an internal scan.
They could see no sign a of baby.

I had done 5 ... 5 bloody tests all of which were positive.
No matter how much I didn't feel pregnant after the first one, they still kept showing me I was.

The sister explained, this could have been because the pregnancy didn't progress as I thought it was progressing and ended very early on or it could mean there may be a pregnancy going on outside the womb.


I was sent off for bloods and then told to go home and wait for the results.
Again it was another day spent far too scared to go to the toilet and I tried my hardest not too as I was starting to see clots come away.

The results came in, in the afternoon and it was still showing I was pregnant.
Ectopic pregnancy was then discussed and I was told they would need to see me again on Thursday for further bloods.

Jon was away in London whilst this was going on, so I was home alone dealing with the boys as well as everything racing around my mind.
In a way it was good, as I was kept busy and I wasn't really able to sit and think about it.

Thursday came and more bloods were taken, the results didn't come back as quickly and I found myself hounding the EPU as I just needed to know.
Jon was going in for his second back operation and the boys were really starting to play up.
I was on the edge of cracking, but I had to stay strong.

I eventually had a call at 5pm and the results were still showing pregnancy hormones present but not high enough for them to be in the danger zone and be a sign on an ectopic.

I was having a miscarriage.

I could now actually start mourning the loss of the baby that never was.

I have cried, 
I have been ok,
 I have thought about the last time this happened, 
I have been fine and cried some more and now I am just angry!

I am angry at myself for getting so excited, 
I'm angry that I told people about baby number 5,
 I'm angry that I got so excited and started buying things for baby number 5!
I am just angry!

This has happened before I should know by now alway alway always wait until the first scan.
Make sure everything is ok before I get my hopes up.

I am angry and so so gutted that baby number 5 never really had a chance.




Monday, 26 September 2016

Attacked

When it comes to walking Ray, that's Jon's job, he likes to get his 10,000 steps in and two dog walks a day does this.

On the days that Jon is in too much pain from his back or he's busy with the shop I take over.

Usually I take Noah or Ru along for some company, but last night I wanted to clear my head and have some quiet time.

I didn't expect for our normal peaceful walk to end so abruptly.


Pretty much 5 minutes into our walk and this little brown dog came running at Ray.
Ray is always on the lead as he's a runner and if he catches a scent of a rabbit he is off.

This dog looked as though it was coming to play but in a blink of an eye he/she locked onto Ray and put a hole in him!

My poor baby was screaming in pain and this dog wanted more.
I put myself between this dog and Ray in a hope it would stop, Ray sensing I may get hurt bared his teeth and did what we call his devil growl.

The own ripped the dog away and put it back in their house.


Both the owners came over and we intensely sorry and offered to take us to the vets.
They let me know where they lived as on this one occasion I didn't take my phone out with me so I couldn't take his number.

Ray walked home ok and as soon as he got in doors he went to pieces.
He started shaking, and foaming at the mouth.

We rang the out of hours vets and they said we'd have to go to a vets in Maidstone.
Jon rushed off with Ray whilst I tried to keep it together and get the boys dinner on.
Within 2 minutes of Jon leaving I had an outburst where I had to call my dad.

He managed to calm me down and I was able to get on with sorting the boys out.

Ray was very lucky, the vet said if the bite had been just a cm to the left it would have done some serious damage.
He was happy not to staple the wound,  but we have to make sure its kept uber clean.
He's been given some antibiotics to keep any infection at bay and the cone of shame to wear.
 

The cm hole in his side isn't much, but my poor little baby has had his confidence shattered.
We keep finding him standing in front of walls, with his cone up against it.
His head is hanging so low that he's literally dragging his head along the floor.

He's depressed!
He seems to have lost his trust in us, I took him on that walk and I wonder if he blames me?
:(

We're going to take him to Pets at Home today so we can spoil him and then Jon is going to take a trip round to the other dog owners house to talk vet fees!